thr seems 2b many things on my mind at tis pt of time n tt i duno whr i shld start frm.

andy's rite abt me. he just hit de nail... i didnt promised grampa tt i'll do well in my final exams coz i didnt hab de confidence 2do so. i told andy tt nth matters anymore.. but come2 tink of it, im abit selfish n irresponsible. coz afterall, my parents paid a huge sum of $ 4my education. n im sure if grampa was still ard he'll sure tell me2 work hard n put in effort in my studies. andy said if i gibup at tis pt of time, i'll b wasting my past 1yr of studying. but i replied sayin actualli i haben been doing much of studyin 4 de past 1 yr, n tts very true. i've been slacking 2much.. so much tt i realli didnt feel like studying and taking exams. thr are other things on my mind, so much things tt im confused. i whldn't say tt grampa's death realli affected 100% of my life, but it certainly did a great deal of damage. supposedly b4 hand i alreadi didnt hab de mood 2study, now such things hab happen, u tink i still hab de mood 2do so?

grampa had actualli became a main topic of our conversations.... i just cant concentrate at de thought or mentioning of him. im very interested 2search 4 de english translated bk of de buddhism, which may contain de ans 2 all my qns. i read a few pages of my big aunt's chi version of de buddhism. it said tt most ppl will incarnate after 7x7= 49 days. which mean tt we can chant n pray 4grampa 2 help him earn more gd deeds. den at de pt of incarnation, he will b directed to 6tunnels of lights. heaven, human, asura, animal, devil ghost, hell.. more or less like tt. i just wana buy an english version of tis bk 2 satisfy my curiousity. can some1 tell me exactly whr's my grampa now? is he still tryin 2 figure out whr himself is? or wat?

sometimes i'll smile at de tot tt grampa passed away without any unfufilled wishes. at least he lived till a ripe old age. he even manage 2 eat his favourite fish porridge at chinatown. coz im de1 whu brought him thr a few mths ago, after his checkup. he manage 2 eat de spagetti i cooked, and de durian puff i bought. i realli wished he had'nt leave so earli n quickly, nt tt im so selfish 2 prolong his pain. but at least if he had lived longer, i'll hab sometime during de holidays 2 do more stuff like buying wat he likes 2 eat. but actualli i shldn't wait till when he's ill 2 realise tt. i shld hab done all these much earlier then. im grateful tt at least i've made used of all de opportunities 2do wat i wanted 2do. like as compared 2 korkor, i was given de chance n time 2 accompany him 2see de doc a no. of times, tt time i even mgt 2 take grampa n gramma 2 chinatown. and i didnt my part n feeding him when he cant eat by himself. im realli thankful of tt...

i tink tt its always when some1 looses sth or some1 den she'll realise de lost n pain. de importance n role de person played in every1's lives. i've been living under de same roof as grampa ever since i was born. he n gramma took cared of me n korkor when my aprents were at work. usualli he's de1 who shield me frm mummy's caning session i had almost everyday. he's de1 whu bought pak pang 4 me, n a few bottles of red nail polish frm his shop b4 de decided 2 retire in his earli 80s. he was de1 whu bought me mani stuff, usualli food. im actuali quite blessed wid such gramparents whu r constantly worrying abt me. im realli sorrie 4them having 2 worry abt my studies. coz since young my results weren't tt fantastic as compared 2korkor. he was de1 whom grampa had high hopes on... im nt jealous of tt, coz i noe my limits. but i tink grampa didnt giveup hope on me. coz he's always telling me2 work hard, out in effort in my studies, n nt arguing wid my parents.

i feel more of a changed person now.. nt sure if others r aware of tt. i tink more den i speak now. i dun grumble tt much as i've used 2. i do things my parents ask me2, widout complaining loudly. but i still complain silently. n i'll try my best in tis final exam.... though wid so mani distractions.

ah ma's in hospital again. im goin 2 visit her wid korkor later. im pulling him wid me, coz i tink he's more po in teo chew den me. n den mummy still cant visit ah ma, so i'll go on behalf of her also... mummy's temper been quite bad, though usalli she's like tt. but i dun blame her. coz she's still wearin tt black cloth 4mourning. but i've taken mine off, coz thr hasn't been extras 4 me, korkor n aaron. so its ok 4 us 2 visit ah ma after de 1st 7 days after grampa's funeral. k.. im goin off 2 study... i'll try.. but no promises made. coz i dun wana make empty promises 2 grampa, den nt fulfilling n keeping my promise....