As silent echoes of the day
reappear when purple dusk arrives
isolation delivers daily bread
while walls whisper your faith
serving no relief but fear instead

soon enough you will unveil
misbalance of a discouraged heart
the beats of shaded soul grow stronger
to which you measure your existence
you rage, can bear the ache no longer

weary darkness drains resources
and exhausted with pure loneliness
anger will be your holy compromise
become a prowler in a laden night
in a hollow void of unknown size

in search of mighty morpheus
before your easterly dawn calls
you ll bruise, bleed and scream
life thereafter unfolds once again
much unlike the long lost dream

sometimes life feels too long
though we live it way too short
pray to know little, pray to know less
for all it brings pain, uncharted
too often , sedated and sad loneliness

I stand beside the sun
I see the world of tears
Countless souls badly want
To be free from this grave.

I try to feel the moonlit
This night slept tight
I'm so tired, need to sleep
Need to see the real morning.

Here's nothing but emptyness
I feel nothing inside
Never smiled for once
It's just a lifeless life.

My all hopes are gone now
I doubt if I have a soul
My eyes are still open
I wait for the death

thr seems 2b many things on my mind at tis pt of time n tt i duno whr i shld start frm.

andy's rite abt me. he just hit de nail... i didnt promised grampa tt i'll do well in my final exams coz i didnt hab de confidence 2do so. i told andy tt nth matters anymore.. but come2 tink of it, im abit selfish n irresponsible. coz afterall, my parents paid a huge sum of $ 4my education. n im sure if grampa was still ard he'll sure tell me2 work hard n put in effort in my studies. andy said if i gibup at tis pt of time, i'll b wasting my past 1yr of studying. but i replied sayin actualli i haben been doing much of studyin 4 de past 1 yr, n tts very true. i've been slacking 2much.. so much tt i realli didnt feel like studying and taking exams. thr are other things on my mind, so much things tt im confused. i whldn't say tt grampa's death realli affected 100% of my life, but it certainly did a great deal of damage. supposedly b4 hand i alreadi didnt hab de mood 2study, now such things hab happen, u tink i still hab de mood 2do so?

grampa had actualli became a main topic of our conversations.... i just cant concentrate at de thought or mentioning of him. im very interested 2search 4 de english translated bk of de buddhism, which may contain de ans 2 all my qns. i read a few pages of my big aunt's chi version of de buddhism. it said tt most ppl will incarnate after 7x7= 49 days. which mean tt we can chant n pray 4grampa 2 help him earn more gd deeds. den at de pt of incarnation, he will b directed to 6tunnels of lights. heaven, human, asura, animal, devil ghost, hell.. more or less like tt. i just wana buy an english version of tis bk 2 satisfy my curiousity. can some1 tell me exactly whr's my grampa now? is he still tryin 2 figure out whr himself is? or wat?

sometimes i'll smile at de tot tt grampa passed away without any unfufilled wishes. at least he lived till a ripe old age. he even manage 2 eat his favourite fish porridge at chinatown. coz im de1 whu brought him thr a few mths ago, after his checkup. he manage 2 eat de spagetti i cooked, and de durian puff i bought. i realli wished he had'nt leave so earli n quickly, nt tt im so selfish 2 prolong his pain. but at least if he had lived longer, i'll hab sometime during de holidays 2 do more stuff like buying wat he likes 2 eat. but actualli i shldn't wait till when he's ill 2 realise tt. i shld hab done all these much earlier then. im grateful tt at least i've made used of all de opportunities 2do wat i wanted 2do. like as compared 2 korkor, i was given de chance n time 2 accompany him 2see de doc a no. of times, tt time i even mgt 2 take grampa n gramma 2 chinatown. and i didnt my part n feeding him when he cant eat by himself. im realli thankful of tt...

i tink tt its always when some1 looses sth or some1 den she'll realise de lost n pain. de importance n role de person played in every1's lives. i've been living under de same roof as grampa ever since i was born. he n gramma took cared of me n korkor when my aprents were at work. usualli he's de1 who shield me frm mummy's caning session i had almost everyday. he's de1 whu bought pak pang 4 me, n a few bottles of red nail polish frm his shop b4 de decided 2 retire in his earli 80s. he was de1 whu bought me mani stuff, usualli food. im actuali quite blessed wid such gramparents whu r constantly worrying abt me. im realli sorrie 4them having 2 worry abt my studies. coz since young my results weren't tt fantastic as compared 2korkor. he was de1 whom grampa had high hopes on... im nt jealous of tt, coz i noe my limits. but i tink grampa didnt giveup hope on me. coz he's always telling me2 work hard, out in effort in my studies, n nt arguing wid my parents.

i feel more of a changed person now.. nt sure if others r aware of tt. i tink more den i speak now. i dun grumble tt much as i've used 2. i do things my parents ask me2, widout complaining loudly. but i still complain silently. n i'll try my best in tis final exam.... though wid so mani distractions.

ah ma's in hospital again. im goin 2 visit her wid korkor later. im pulling him wid me, coz i tink he's more po in teo chew den me. n den mummy still cant visit ah ma, so i'll go on behalf of her also... mummy's temper been quite bad, though usalli she's like tt. but i dun blame her. coz she's still wearin tt black cloth 4mourning. but i've taken mine off, coz thr hasn't been extras 4 me, korkor n aaron. so its ok 4 us 2 visit ah ma after de 1st 7 days after grampa's funeral. k.. im goin off 2 study... i'll try.. but no promises made. coz i dun wana make empty promises 2 grampa, den nt fulfilling n keeping my promise....

hmmm... they say grampa's soul will cum back on de 7th day... which is later in de nite. but de nun calculated tt his soul will onli cum back much later. so which1 is de correct 1? i told grampa tt if he realli cum back, indicte 2us by dropiing a few grains of rice on de table, so i'll noe he came back2 see us. mummy told me2 sleep earli... i kept asking y. cant i just peep at him? he wun noe it rite? unless he cum upstairs... hope he dun tink tt he has cum2 de wrong hse, den nv cum in. coz we've just rented a 7seat car 4 tml's praying session 2 CCK. hope he dun get de wrong idea tt we buy a car immediateli after his death... i told him alreadi... so hope he can hear me. but im gona b at hm, nt gona participate in tml's praying session, coz no1 will b at hm2 look after gramma. me again... haiya. but i promised grampa tt i'll look after her. no nvm la.. its part of my promise n duty. so i'll pray 2him at hm. tink its quite de same... he'll noe tt im fillial even if i nv attend tml's praying session. i'll b hm 2 look after gramma, n also aaron.. hope he dun get me shouting, coz i've promised 2 curb my anger. if i shout at him, gramma will scold me4 making so much noise. den her blood pressure will rise again. dun wish tis 2 happen...

mummy's mum, who is my de other gramma (ah ma), has been admitted 2 de hospital... i realli pray hard tt nth will happen 2 her. coz heard frm my uncle's wife tt ah ma is acting de way how my grampa act b4 he pass away.. i realli realli hope tt she'll b ok. if nt... i realli duno how2 manage. dun wish anything2 happen anymore at tis pt of time. 1 is enuff...... tink i can visit her at de hospital tml.. but i tink my mum cant, coz she's still wearing de black piece of mourning cloth on her sleeve. but ive alreadi got mine taken out, as thr are no extras left. so de more impt aults like daddy, mummy and aunts will wear them. so after tonite, which is de 1st 7 days.. i can visit ah ma i guess...

heard frm daddy tt when we're still mourning, ppl whom we scold will b very 'suay'. so im hoping i dun scold any1... but doubt any1 will provoke me at tis pt of time. onli aaron.. whu else.... duhzz... calm down n b patient... haizz..

mani ppl came 2 pay their respects 2 grampa 4 de last time.. some ppl i haben seen b4. but mostli de relatives r ppl whom, we knew.. some of aunt's frens or colleagues, daddy's, mummy's, even my bro's classmates came... it was when mummy asked me if my frens were cuming tt i felt a little ashamed... my own best frens didnt even cum. maybe their busy.. maybe their doin sth else... i duno. im nt sure if i'll attend such a ceremony if 1of my fren's family member passed away. but i tink tt whld depend on de closeness im wid with tt person. but i didnt tell mani ppl, just afew here n thr. jin, dot, andy, hui2, sandy.. n tink de rest knew when i mssed class de other day. thr r mani qns marks in my head.. but dun tink thr's ans 4them all...some relatives came every day, while some came 2 days... we're realli thankful of tt. i tink grampa is also thankful of them 2.. coz like wat daddy say. 'huan nan jian zhen qin'. meaning tt its onli in times of crisis of trouble tt u'll see actualli whu is gd. coz actions speak louder den words... like my grampa's bro, 8th granduncle. he was in china when we called, den he say he's heading 4 beijing or somewhr. he'll try2 make it in time. but he nv showed up. i mean even if u cant turn up or realli cant make it in time, u'll surely call n tell or sth like tt rite? nt even a phone call... but i guess tts becoz they were frm diff mothers... but grampa is still half a bro 2him! i read thru afew letters frm grampa's possession. it was stated tt grampa always send $$ back 2 them.. so how can they b so ungrateful... but thankfully, grampa still hab a very gd bro, 4th granduncle. though he didnt cry, i tink he was mourning in his heart... coz i heard frm auntie tt when he 1st came 2 s'pore, grampa treated him n helped him as though he was his son. 4th granduncle came almost everyday... haizz... i tink nowadays every1 of us keep sighing... we dun cry tt often when de body is gone.. but de memory of grampa wid us is truly a memorable 1. nv mind abt whu came n whu didnt come. its all over... no pt picking on ppl who didnt attend. my dad say he'll find out y a few of his colleagues didnt cum... duno wat4. haizzz...

finalli everything is over for now... grampa passed away on thursday, april 15, at 04.08pm at Singapore General Hospital. i realli miss him badly. haven dreamt of him yet, so im hoping tt he'll quickly learn how2 enter ppl's dream n tok1 me. sometimes i still cant quite accept tt he's dead. nv actualli tot tt such a day whld cum, n such things will happen on me. my worse fears hab cum true... and im sad at de fact tt they hab buried my grampa under de soil... usualli he sleep on de bed!

de burial was on monday, de bus left hm at 1pm. before that, every1 was crying, coz tts de last time we see grampa lying b4 our eyes... he look so peaceful, as though he's sleeping, though usualli his mouth shld b open. de band came n played some songs when we prayed 2him 4 de last time. it was so heart wrenching... we were all crying so badly behind de van when we were standing behind it. gramma didnt cum wid us, coz they dun tink its suitable 4her. sometimes i wished it didnt happen so fast...

i was in such on tt very day, was having econs revision class. den i was havin break when i checked de hp 2 see if thr were any msges. i had 3 missed calls n a few msges.. saw mummy's msg 2 call her immediateli coz its urgent.. called her, den she told me grampa passed away. i really had a shock, n tears were cuming down. my legs felt shaky n rubbery. how can tis happen so suddenly?!! i just saw him de nite b4 n he was still alrite! i didnt quite beliieve wat mummy said n asked her y, how did it happen. den after tt i quickly packed my bad n rush out2 get a cab. on de way, i was sobbing, prayin 2 de buddha 2protect my grampa, still cant believe wat mum told me. still believe tt he's alive, onli in a dangerous situation. reachin de hospital i ran all de way, some ppl staring at my tear streaked face. i dun care! wat they noe? they noe nth.... i ran n ran, till i saw my parents n 4uncle n her wife outside.. den i tot everything was over.

i walked slowli 2 granpa's bed onli 2 see my cousins, elder bro, grampa n aunties thr. i stood behind them 2 catch a glimpse of grampa. den my dad call me 2 de other side whr i can stand beside him. de oxygen tube was still giving oxygen, but his eyes were closed. i cried n cried, den even shake grampa's shlder 2see if he whld open his eyes and gib me some response like he usualli whld. but he just lie down thr.. no response... i asked daddy if grampa was still breathing. he said no.... but thr's still some heartbeat. i knew it was all over... no breathing means no oxygen, no oxygen means no breathing, means he's dead! i was so sad... every1 is walkin in n out of de ward... i touched his face, it was so cold. i wished i can still touch him again... like how i used 2 when helping him apply moisturiser.i realli cant believe my eyes.. he was just thr b4 me aday ago.. how can things happen so quickly n suddenli?!! i even told him tt nite nt 2 take out de clip on his hand, coz de doctors wana keep a record of his heartbeat n blood pressure. but he keep taking it off. den i even hold his hand, so tt tt chld stop him frm pulling de clip...he was so much alive den. but m glad tt day i stayed in de hospital de longest amongst all my visits. but wat i regret was i didnt bring gramma thr tt nite.. coz daddy called me 2 see whr i was, n i told him i was in sch, goin 2de hospital direct.so on dee fateful day, gramma seems 2noe wat was goin on when she received de call, though my bro didnt tell her. but it came2 her as a shock... she's de saddest of all. coz grampa is usualli de1 at hm 2 accompany her. they always accompany each other at hm, both sleepin on their chair near de door...

i regret nt treatin grampa betta... i mean they all noe im fillial. but u noe sometimes i can get quite rude... but i told grampa yesterdae tt i'll learn, i'll change 4de betta. 3rd aunt asked me de other day wat grampa didnt like abt me.. i actualli chld named a few. den she said watever grampa didnt liked abt me is actualli my weak or bad pts. i promised 2him i'll change, though hope tt he'll gimme some time... he didnt liked me2 waste electricity, switching on de lights n 4gettin 2 switch them off. or switching on de aircon n goin somewhr else 2 do sth. he didnt like me 2 yell n yell n b so noisy. coz it usualli irritated him. he didnt like de way sometimes i argued wid my parents or wid them. i myself wished tt i wun b so rude in de future... i shldnt hab flared up when he was still thr. but i tink he knew tt i did tt because i loved him. coz i didnt like him 2 eat so many eggs or havin 2 crack a raw egg over his rice, coz de rice whldnt b so hot 2 cook de egg. i wished i haben argued wid him over de pkt of potato chips... i wished i wished... no pt wishing.... he's alreadi gone off 2 some whr. i told myself grampa has gone on 2 a betta place... some place like heaven whr its so lovely. hope he's not 2 lonely over thr. hope he will b able 2 make new frens thr. coz he's quite amiable n sociable..

i remember de times when he was still workin at chinatown. he'll n ask if i wana eat 'pak pang'. tt was de days when i was still young, always giving them trouble. sometimes he'll bring back red nail polish, when i told him i wan, coz was so vain tt time. sometimes when he's free he'll bring me eat prata at de prata shop near our hse. i still remember i was chewin on a gum n refused 2 spit it out. grampa told me if i spit it out i can hab some prata, which i tink i eventualli spit it out. i recalled grampa also bought me a big tube of smarties back den.. a very big 1. when i was in sec sch, i even brought him2 Carrefour, whr we bought some stuff, den got lost on de way out. den just nice passed by Mcdonald's whr he bought me a fries or drink... grampa dotes on me very much. but i used 2 scold him when we were watchin tv.. coz he always read de chi words, n i cant hear wat de ppl on tv was sayin... i regretted doin tt. i realli hope graampa can hear me now... i told him i'll take gd care of gramma n look after aaron. i told him i'll change 4de betta. i'll try 2 curb my anger n temper.which i realise im really rude 2my parents on some occasions.

grampa's soul is coming back on de 5th of may.. frm 11pm to 2am. hope he'll realli cum back, i miss his badly, hope he'll learn some skills 2 let us see him or maybe he'll b able 2 move objects.

i'll remember tis day... always.. 4ever...

in loving memory of my beloved grampa,
Mr Fong Noi Kuen,
frm ur grand daughter, Emily Fong

morning! i woke up ard 10am coz hui2 called me. later im goin2 de library 2 study together... so tiring man. tink if she dun call i'll sleep till 12+ for sure.

haizz... nowadays ive been luffin very hard for 1 moment, den sad de other moment. tink if tis is gona continue, i'll becum a mad woman de nxt day. grampa's been hospitalised again. seems tt tis time is quite serious. i mean, coz de doc told us2 b mentally prepared again. im nt sure wats my aunts n dad's decision, whether 2 continue 2 do all methods n ways if he really cant pull thru. haizz... yesterdae i nearli cried on de mrt when i tot abt how he dote on me when i was young.his condition is realli quite bad. he cant walk n tok like he used 2. now he is just thr lyin on de bed... waitin 4a miracle.. waitin 2..... i cant bear2 look at him.

coz he's old alreadi, so wat more can i expect? of coz i'll wish tt he'll b 4ever healthy n livin.. but he's a human. im always tellin ppl 2 b optimistic. but im nt sure if tis time i can do wat i preech. last time i nv tot tt such things will happen 2me. but den.... its so contradicting. coz 1 hand im tellin god 2 save him, 2 perform a miracle. but sometimes when i see tt he's in pain, i wish tt god can alleviate him of his pain. i used 2 tink de 2nd option is a wiser choice. but i cant imagine him leavin me...(oh no, tears...) yapz. but on de other hand i dun wish him 2 suffer anymore pain, coz he has been goin in n out of de hospital lately. its tiring 4 him, n also tiring 4 my aunts n dad. i remember i felt so bad like tis a few yrs back... see, his pain is prolonged till now. back den tt was de 1st time i saw daddy cryin. it was so heartbreakin. i dun dare2 cry infront of him, coz i dun wana him2 worrie. but nt sure if i can do tt now.. coz tt time he was so much stronger even after he left de hospital. now he's on a drip, n his medication has 2 b fed thru de tuve tts inserted thru his nose into de stomach.

im tired... physically n mentally. nt sure how jin mgt 2 get thru tis when her gramma passed away mani yrs ago. i saw tt time she cried quite badly. nt sure if i'll do worse. coz i've been always by his side since i was young. living together under de same roof ever since i was born. shielding me away frm de cane my mom's always holdin when i was young. n ....n......... mani wonderful memories.

shld stop cryin, dun wana my eyes 2b swollen when i go library. actualli im nt sure if i shld study at hm, coz later gramma is alone den she'll start cryin again. but if at hm i'll use de comp den waste my time. maybe later i cum hm earlier lor. haizz.. but my bro is at hm, tink he's nt goin anywhr todae, coz he's havin exams tis wk.

yawnzz... realli tired man, woke up at 1130+am... i still hab class on sat n sun. arghh... snorezz.
u noe wat, yesterdae i happen 2 'bump' into my crush in sch when we were walkin towards de foodcourt, he just suddenli appreared infront of me as he took de stairs. i didnt noe whr 2 look.. so paiseh. tts hui2's fault. becoz she did de stupid thing of match makin us in friendster.. i was realli embarrassed! its obvious tt he recognises us 2... my goodness!

i cant help but 2 stare at him during lecture, coz he was in such a perfect view... hahah!den hui2 say he is always sittin wid gals.. well, i hab no comments 4tis la. its nt always. i find myself daydreaming abt him. lolz. so funnnii...

came hm ard 1045pm last nite, just in time 2catch my 'liu xing hua yuan'. so nice.. yet so sad. my heart ache 4 shancai when she cry. andy said its a show4 gals.. all abt love love n love. he was still wonderin how cum yesterdae dun hab holland V. even my bro complained when i insist in watchin tt... hahaha! daomingsi is realli cute! tt dimpled n boyish smile.. oh mannn...

tml's class is frm 9-5pm, so is de 1 on sundae... yawnzz...realli hope i can do well in tis exam.. den after tt can enjoy! yippee... n tt will b 2 & 1/2 mths of holidae... muahahahahaaa

hi! its 12.28pm now.. yawnzz...im goin2 sch earlier 2 study, though my class is at 6pm. so hardworkin hor? sandy's still watchin vcds at hm.. ha! still told me de sound effect4 de eye2 is scary.. lolz. i told her2 get a box of tissues readi when she is gona watch de passion of de christ. hahah! hmm...daddy bought me pkts of biscuits after i told him tt my dinner is gona b forfeitted as de time schedule 4my classes is ard dinner time. so sweet hor? so i'll bring some2 sch, den bring some4 hui2 n sandy n de rest.

yesterdae we had a great time in sch, were tokin abt eyebrows when brenda said she is very keen 2help her bf pluck his. coz they're 2 messy. so funnii...

den william msged back tis morning 2 say tt its his fault.. duno if its suppose2 b yesterdae's msg or tis morning's 1. but i msg back nonetheless... i said im onli tryin 2help, but abit like 'hao xin mei hao bao'.den yesterdae dennis told me tt some1 committed suicide at his blk. nowadays ppl r so inconsiderate. nv tot abt de pain they bring after their death.. esp their family n loved ones. but perhaps they feel its betta 2b dead den alive? but sometimes death cant solved probs.. it'll onli bring more probs i guess. wat do u tink?? hmm... tml's gd fridae. auntie alice manage 2get a chalet again. i was tinkin of goin thr4 a swim.. so long nv swim liaoz. but abit wastin my precious time. but i dun like2 jog.. if onli i have a swimmin pool in my hse.

im hungry now... waitin 4 lunch 2b readi... lolz!

hmm.. im eatin my 'dinner' as i typed tis.. so0o0o hungry, i can eat a cow!! its 1149pm now... realli! de lecturer is chi koh! i can confirm tt.. usin examples like SEX and rape.. alamak! hahha.im eatin instant noodles again.. but its instant bee hoon 2b exact.,. so tired lei... tml hab another 6-9pm class... yawnzz...

lolz.. den i smiled 2 andy.. coz i caught him lookin at me again.. so funnii.. den he say tryin 2 get my attention is like strikin 4D.. wahaha! den hor.. de lecturer told us 2 eat more bananas n drink more water as it helps us in tryin 2 study.. so funni! den i suddenli tot of dodo bird! i always see him eatin bananas.. perhaps he did very well 4 his mock exams... lolz

hiya! gudd morning! well, yesterdae was such a tiring dae. luckily my class ended earlier at 10.15pm, so i mgt 2 get hm by 11.15pm. lolz... de lecture wasnt tt boring, coz de lecturer was an interestin 1. though i tot he's a little chi-ko-pek. hahha! tonite is another dae whr i hab nite class also...abit sianz. coz i haben finished revisin, den we're havin revision? doesnt make much sense 2 me.. n cant believe i had my 'dinner' at 430pm.. yapz, its DINNER. coz 2b in time 4 my 7pm class ive gotta leave my hm at 530, some allowance 2 wait 4 de bus. but 2 my surprised, thr was mani ppl in de nite class. 1st time i see my sch so crowded in de nite.

newayz, andy n i didnt tok 2 each other again. weird rite? i mean we always tok2 each other on icq, but den when we meet each other in sch our lips just seemed stucked 2gether. perhaps im 2 shy? but i was feelin abit paiseh.. i always nv had de courage 2tok 2 those whom i noe on net in real life. but im quite determined 2 open my mouth n tok2 him. coz we treat each other like siblings. he noe quite alot abt me n i noe quite alot abt him. but he always seemed shy when i look at him. sometimes i feel tt he's lookin at me, tryin 2 catch my attention,but i just cant force myself 2 look back. oops... hehhe! but guys shld always b de 1whu initiate things like tis mah..so u cant blame me4 tt. den he still can msg me after he got on de bus tt im a 'tao gal'.... looks who tokin man... he's also nt those outgoin kind. so hmm.... perhaps tonite i can finalli say sth ya? sometimes i tink we tok 2much 2 each other, some sort like gf's msgin their bf's. hahaha...den last time he said tt our 'relationship' is like those tt cant b revealed in public. lolz, make me luff like hell.

oh... im suppose 2b studyin rite now... onli left 1 mth more 2go.. im nt even half way thru my revision. damnit! die die die.... okok. im goin now 2study. perhaps tonite after i leave sch i can sleep immediateli den wake up earli tml. coz i was watchin 'meet my folks' last nite, so woke up a little later den yesterdae tis mornin... lallalala....

hii every1! hahaz.. finalli u see emily ard here, after mths when jin 1st mentioned tis 2 me. well, sort of bored today (as usual). hahaz.. preparing 4 my exams now, its due in May, so its gona b just another 1 more mth or so. aiyaa.. at least i manage 2 pull myself outta bed at ard 10.10am tis morning. usualli i'll sleep till 11.30am leh..

well, luckily wenjun's aint bothering me anymore. wondering whu's wenjun arent u? so kpo.. well, he's de tpjc guy i 1st mentioned yrs ago. he msg me yesterdae again, askin de ever same old qns like 'r u attached?' or 'do u hab any guys in ur life now?' kns.. and make me get paranoid n edgy again. as i told jin. i tink im some1 livin in de body of a new age gal, but my soul is frm de past few century. neither me myself understands tis rubbish either! i panick when guys ask me out, like some frens say, they're nt askin u2 go n die or marry them, so y worry so much??! but i cant help feelin otherwise... but i tink wenjun's a little pek chek when i tried 2 change de topid a few times. like 4example when he told me he's free every nite n every wkends, i replied sayin 'wow, didnt noe ur tt free...' hahaha... silly me ya? 1of my fren, mr jackal, said tt if i dun feel anything 4 him i shldnt feel tis way. but i was tinkin tt he maybe wrong! coz de other time when my snr, jiahao, asked me out 4a movie n dinner, i freaked out also. but coz my frens all encouraged me, den i went la.. as usual. den i found out i dun feel a thing 4 him. do u call tis desperate?? but sometimes i dun feel least bothered by such bgr problems.

hahhaz... silly blur emily is wat ppl call me. neway, he nv msg me le la.. so i can take a breather now. de weirdest thing tt leaves me wid a billion qnsmarks is tt if i dun msg him, he doesnt msg at all. den when i msg gd msges or morning, den he'll msg back 2 find out how i m, (of coz askin de usual qns again). weird hor??! he's tt guy whu disturbed me yrs ago when i was gona hab my A lvls. dun understand y these ppl like 2 disturb me when im gona hab exams. tt time he himself said tt he will b busy when he's army, den y now changed his mind n asked me out? tt time make me a little upset.. like tellin me "tt grape is so sweet n juicy, but u cant eat it as its nt ripe yet." so wat4 tell me? as if wana leadin me a hope tt cant come true! so knss...

soemtimes im nt sure y i feel like tt. cant help it i tink. i told jin n dot tt ive got a fren whu got a 'male' as his gf.. when he told me tt, i cant help by feelin jealous. i mean, when he told me tt we were frenz (coz of some misunderatandins, so i decided 2 clear de mess la), i was a little happy n also.... a little sad! so i was alittle convinced tt perhaps i was................. a little in lurv wid tis guy. haizzz... but he onli treat me as a very gd fren. i realli cant imagine! i mean... how nice can a guy b towards his gd fren? well let me tell u... he's those kind, who bought me a necklace when he was in thai 4 ocs training. den when i was helpin jin n dot 2 sell roses 4 Vdae, of coz i was kinda excited, den i told him. den he called me n asked how mani roses i wan. weird hor??! i mean... i onli tink tt guys gib roses 2 gals they like. wat4 he give me???? tts y i decided 2 clarify things wid him. so tt he's also nt leadin me... u noe tis guy is 'a guy fren' whu calls me n chat almost everywk or so... but now he has his probs so he didnt la. n i was absoluteli pissed n hurt when i was concern n asked him so hows things goin on.. wid his stupid 'male' gf.. de told me2 give him a break... i was a little heart broken. n i tink by now he doesnt noe tt i was pissed tt day. or perhaps he doesnt hab time 4 tt... nvm la. but he's reali quite a gd catch, i mean, he's a nice guy la. tink some sort like gona extinct frm de world alreadi. he's some1 i trust, some1 who realli can stay back in sch till 8+/9+ to teach me econs... cant imgaine!! haizzz... i shant ask 4 sth tt cant b fufilled. wat a joke man! emily's 4ever liking some1 who onli treats her as a gd fren. den she herself always gets into messy tangling wid ppl she hab no feelings 4. perhaps de cupid's arrow was blunt, shoot wrong person la... hahahahhaha

my grampa was discharged frm hospital last sat... hmm.. he's condition is deteriorating. but he's alreadi 95 tis yr. so wat more can i expect? of coz i wish he'll lived on 4ever... i went 2 de temple de other day when he was in hos 2 pray 4 him. realli hoped tt he'll get betta, though such hopes deosnt realli carry much hope in them. how ironical! ya la.... he cant swallow things now. eatin stuff like porridge almost every meal. so poor thing! den always coughin.. coz water's gettin into his lungs... haizz... jjust pray hard la..

k la.. i wrote alot of rubbish liaoz... so shall stop here now. tonite hab nite class leh... frm 7 to 11pm!! yes.. its 11pm!! den by de time i reach hm it'll b ard 12+/ 1am liaoz.. knss!!!!!!!!!! shall wear slippers. lolz!