emotions come to me very easily these few days, tink its becoz of yesterday when we visited the grave. im toking to sweeyee now. she said tt i shldn't cry and be sad, coz grampa whldn't like himself to be the reason for me to be sad. frankly speaking, i haven cried so much all my life. i never knew my heart could ache like this..... never knew tears could come to me so easily. never knew he whould be so far away from me today............
 
i tink im stress over my work. i feel as though im overworking myself, pushing myself into isolation and darkness. i don't noe.... after grampa's death, i had my exams, den after exams i worked. i mean its not tt i don't go out wid my frenz. i dread for the sun to set, i hate the moment when im all alone, having ample time to set my brain cells loose. having time alone means i have the time to tink of the unhappiness... i hate it.. hate it!! i whld love to think of grampa.. but i can't control it when my brain starts to wonder somewhr else.. the whole cycle keeps repeating....everything starts replaying whenever i think of him. again and again and again.... its scary. from tt very moment, to after his death....and to now. reality sucks!
 
i never knew my heart could ache like this... its very terrible...... its so painful tt no words could ever describe this feeling. i'm scared the whole cycle whld repeat itself... coz i still have 2 grammas here. just went visttin ah ma in the evening, she refused to let me go hm when im leaving. i tink i'll visit her more often nxt time. thinking of grampa, now i realise actually both of my grammas are also deteriorating. they're getting more skinny... im really very scared.
 
i yearn for peace and tranquility.

im feeling sad todae... went to grampa's grave in the morning. cant help it when tears started to falling down my cheeks. i didnt force myself to cry, it just came naturally. i was sad. the chanting of the nun brought back painful memories we had back den. even as im typing this now, im overwhlemed by emotions. im sad... he's gone... gone forever... to somewhere i'll never noe, to a place far far away... i can only wish him all the best in his 'future'.  auntie was saying we didnt bring potato chips, den cousin elaine asked me if grampa likes to eat potato chips, and wat kinda flavour. i was sort of dumbfounded.... tis mentioning of potato chips brought back hurtful, painful, heartrenching memories, having remembered how i used to quarrel wid him over a stupid pkt of chips made me realise i was wrong...i wished i hadn't done tt, no matter how reasonable or stupid excuses i had. i realise how selfish i was, how rude i was... if onli..if onli.......
 
y do we only regret after something has happened? i tink tts de nature of us humans. we only regret when its all too late. wishing if only we had done something to change it, or something else instead.
 
 'this world is really very difficult to understand, and actually, im also lazy to try and understand it'
'the mirror is not a flat surface, but a real world'
'i wish i can fly... fly to be by his side...den isit till den i can have his acknowledgement?'
 
this is just a translation of a chinese song la.. im nt some idiot tryin to act like i noe how to write songs. haiz... a trip down to the grave realli is a tough 1 for every1 of us, esp for gramma. i have never cried so much in my life...never learn to cry for a real reason. and this time, i've learn something valuable, something that not everyone is able to feel. coz..... my relationship wid grampa was realli a very close one, and im really very sadden by his death... i really hope god can bring him back.. his departure made me realise tt we shouldn't take everything for granted, though like wat i've just said above, one does not realise tt till sth happen. though i may casually mention grampa's departure infront of frenz, its becoz i regard it as a fact already. but little do most of them noe, in the nite, sometimes i'll tink of him, and cry quietly in my rm. like now, when im typing this, im blowing my nose, dabbing my eyes wid a tissue... coz sometimes gals' mood can do a little swing ya? sometimes i wonder wat will it b like if grampa's still alive..
 
i still can remember his birthday, his last new year with us... wat will be de rest of such occasions without him around? i don't know... sometimes i tink i'm on de brink of a mental breakdown... sometimes i superb sensitive..like during work, sometimes when my colleagues like say me abit, i feel like my world seems to be falling apart. i noe that life isin't always as smooth to sail across, im trying.. im really trying. tt day carol asked me whr are de rest of the clippings, how cum i nv clip. den she looked at me (eyes bigger den mine of coz!) and i sat thr lookin at her duno wat to say. she gaveup and asked charlene to sit in and listen. haiz... i duno isit becoz im too stressed tts y i cant remember things properly or wat. but last wk i realli was very busy rushin my Ck and Celine report, and besides, mine were more impt den her stupid stuff. haizz... i realli needa take a breather. do u noe sometimes when i sleep halfway, i'll suddenli wakeup and asked myself wat im doin in bed? wats de time now? wat day isit? isit time to go to work? and den realise it's a saturday or sunday.... i guess im stress... i duno... tts y i tink it'll be good if i can go on a short holiday or something like tt. going diving or HK may b a gd idea... so after quittin this job, i'll enjoy......   

lolz...guess wat? im here in de office alone! yapz.. im all alone in de office. hehhe... up to some mischieve again? muaha.. hey by the way, i just realise (after working here for 1 mth), that my boss is actually Lee Kwan Yew's niece. which means de old man whu comes into de office is Lee's bro! woahh... no wonder so rich. y dun they recommand some cousins or relatives to me? haha.. preferably rich n handsome. =P

i just ate char siew noodles de maid cook.. i tink outside taste betta. oh by de way jin, i tink nxt wk den i go gym la. coz tis wk abit tired, besides im going 2 my grampa's grave tml, so tonite will b sleeping early. now that i've 'adjusted' my hair, time to 'adjust' my body. noe wat i mean? yeah!

oh, im also saving to go diving. dennis told me he's now an assistant to george to train for dive master. shiok! awesome man! im goin for that too!!! 1st, im going for my advance b4 sch reopens. den after tt i can go for my 15 commited dives (if george will sponser me). hurrayyy!!!

i dread coming to work now... esp having me to sit on that bus for 1hr! as long as i'm goin to sch... snorez....