im realli very frustrated now... coz i doubt thr's any1 who realli understand wats im tinking n how i feel... my heart realli aches. i just quarreled wid my mom over a stupid watermelon. she asked me2 cut half, but i cut de whole thing, so wats de big deal..? den she insists tt im de1 who keeps arguing. FINE!!! so big deal... im always de1 at fault, since when im correct?! wat de $%()*&%!.. in realli very tired of these things, quarrellin, den being misunderstood by others..but im also tired2 clarify de doubts n misunderstandings or watsoever. i cant help it if they wana tink like tis... den its 2 bad! i cant b bothered....

im so damn stressed over here n wat do they noe? NOTHING!! wat de hell... grampa just passed away, im being stucked in tis fucking exams, den sometimes arguing n quarrellin wid others, den habta make sure gramma is ok..... WAT DO THEY TINK I M??!!!! SOME KIND OF SUPER WOMAN?!!!!? dun try2 understand me coz i doubt any1 will... even if i hab frenz whom gramparents passed away also...but whu can realli understand how i feel?!! NONE!!... coz i doubt any1 in my generation r tt close 2their gramparents. i've been living wid grampa since de day i was born..he took me out, den when i grew up, i took him out instead. i volunteered 2take him2 his checkups, bring him 2chinatown 2hab his fav porridge.. though its onli a few times..but i realli tink its alot betta den any1 else...

den now im stucked in tis stupid 1st yr exam.. wid mommy expecting me2 get all A's...u tell me how i shld go abt doin it?!!!! damnit!!! and thr's grampa entering my dream,and on interpretin it, he wans me2 gib my best,puttin in all my effort in my studies...indirectly telling me tt he is worried abt me though he's gone now... SEE WAT I MEAN?!! i doubt any1 will experience tis kinda pain, stress n pressure.........

i tok2 myself when im alone, tinking abt grampa, sometimes tinking nothing.. haizz...tml's my last paper..its gona b over soon..just bear wid another day..1more day...

i miss my grampa... i really miss him alot... and everytime when i tink of it, my tears starts streaming down my face... i realli cherished those wonderful memories i had wid him around..and tokin abt these makes my heart ache... just like leaving a deep cut in my heart... but i tink gramma's pain is still de deepest. though she looks ok frm de outside, i tink she is still grieving inside...

i dreamt of him this morning, date: 4th May 2004. i dreamt tt he came back 2life, den i was so happy and i even managed 2 hugged him. if i didnt remember it wrongly, he told me2 study hard and 2 put in my best in studying. as de dream was very complicated, i was confused and trying 2 figure out wats happening. so after tt, i went somewhr wid some guy i cant remember. den quarrelled wid a gal, den on de way down an old street, i saw my family crying. my grampa is lying on de coffin, half alive. daddy even scolded me, saying now is de impt period, how can i go missing... den they told me grampa cant is stiff coz de nurse injected some medicine. he was thr, in de coffin, wid a sad face, wid tears at de corner of his eyes...

i still cant really comprehend wats happening. and y m i de only person in de whole family who is able 2dream of grampa... todae i really didnt hab de mood2 joke. but i still continued wid my revision, coz i didnt wana be distracted. since grampa entered my dreams2 tell me abt such things, i must somehow dun disappoint him rite? haizz... im tryin my best... but its all last min work... i told him though, but duno if he know wat im tokin...