im feeling sad todae... went to grampa's grave in the morning. cant help it when tears started to falling down my cheeks. i didnt force myself to cry, it just came naturally. i was sad. the chanting of the nun brought back painful memories we had back den. even as im typing this now, im overwhlemed by emotions. im sad... he's gone... gone forever... to somewhere i'll never noe, to a place far far away... i can only wish him all the best in his 'future'.  auntie was saying we didnt bring potato chips, den cousin elaine asked me if grampa likes to eat potato chips, and wat kinda flavour. i was sort of dumbfounded.... tis mentioning of potato chips brought back hurtful, painful, heartrenching memories, having remembered how i used to quarrel wid him over a stupid pkt of chips made me realise i was wrong...i wished i hadn't done tt, no matter how reasonable or stupid excuses i had. i realise how selfish i was, how rude i was... if onli..if onli.......
 
y do we only regret after something has happened? i tink tts de nature of us humans. we only regret when its all too late. wishing if only we had done something to change it, or something else instead.
 
 'this world is really very difficult to understand, and actually, im also lazy to try and understand it'
'the mirror is not a flat surface, but a real world'
'i wish i can fly... fly to be by his side...den isit till den i can have his acknowledgement?'
 
this is just a translation of a chinese song la.. im nt some idiot tryin to act like i noe how to write songs. haiz... a trip down to the grave realli is a tough 1 for every1 of us, esp for gramma. i have never cried so much in my life...never learn to cry for a real reason. and this time, i've learn something valuable, something that not everyone is able to feel. coz..... my relationship wid grampa was realli a very close one, and im really very sadden by his death... i really hope god can bring him back.. his departure made me realise tt we shouldn't take everything for granted, though like wat i've just said above, one does not realise tt till sth happen. though i may casually mention grampa's departure infront of frenz, its becoz i regard it as a fact already. but little do most of them noe, in the nite, sometimes i'll tink of him, and cry quietly in my rm. like now, when im typing this, im blowing my nose, dabbing my eyes wid a tissue... coz sometimes gals' mood can do a little swing ya? sometimes i wonder wat will it b like if grampa's still alive..
 
i still can remember his birthday, his last new year with us... wat will be de rest of such occasions without him around? i don't know... sometimes i tink i'm on de brink of a mental breakdown... sometimes i superb sensitive..like during work, sometimes when my colleagues like say me abit, i feel like my world seems to be falling apart. i noe that life isin't always as smooth to sail across, im trying.. im really trying. tt day carol asked me whr are de rest of the clippings, how cum i nv clip. den she looked at me (eyes bigger den mine of coz!) and i sat thr lookin at her duno wat to say. she gaveup and asked charlene to sit in and listen. haiz... i duno isit becoz im too stressed tts y i cant remember things properly or wat. but last wk i realli was very busy rushin my Ck and Celine report, and besides, mine were more impt den her stupid stuff. haizz... i realli needa take a breather. do u noe sometimes when i sleep halfway, i'll suddenli wakeup and asked myself wat im doin in bed? wats de time now? wat day isit? isit time to go to work? and den realise it's a saturday or sunday.... i guess im stress... i duno... tts y i tink it'll be good if i can go on a short holiday or something like tt. going diving or HK may b a gd idea... so after quittin this job, i'll enjoy......