tadaaa!! i saw porky in sch on monday.. just outside the life. lolz.. he cut his hair.. muaahhaha

Anyway, hmm, caught The Brothers' Grimm on saturday with jin. I must say it was an interesting movie... we got the lovers' seat (coz only single seats were left...) and we sat nxt to this couple, and i tot the guy was a little noisy.. luckily this couple didn't do anything hankie pankie. Hahahaha... the lovers' seat was quite comfortable, but still not big enough for the 2 of us, and i was figgiting throughout the movie... after movie, we went to the this errr, wat do u call it? a showcase of the products of ppl who designed shirts and other stuff themselves. One of the items on display was the arrangement of flowers and wedding related items like flowers on the car, flowers on the door and wedding cutlery etc etc. It was so beautiful... jin told me to remember wat i saw, so nxt time for my wedding i'll have a rough idea of wat to do... hahaha. We walked past many of those wedding boutiques (coz we were at tanjong pagar area) and we were approached by this auntie standing outside 1 of those studios, and she asked if wana take a look at the new designs and wat not. My 1st reaction was 'Do i look like i'm getting married soon??' faintzz... i tink tt auntie didn't open her eyes big and wide enough.. haahaha. But boy! some of those wedding gowns on display are so nice... I like those simple yet look quite grand.. hehhe.

We went to the new retro cafe located just facing the main road now.. its very cosy and it is airconditioned...but its a little stuffy though. hahha, the fish and chips thr is quite nice... and at an affordable price, other cafes usually sell quite expensive. Jin say maybe she'll hold her bdae mini celebration thr.. I was also thinking likewise.. but its not very big, how to accomodate all my frenz? faintz...

hmmm...I crash todae's Mm lecture, but couldn't get in coz the admin lady was sitting outside giving notes. Haiz.. so mafan, made me missed the 1st half of the lecture. I still have a whole stack of notes waiting for me to collect. Suppose to go jb tml, but it postponed to nxt wk, coz J's passport needa be changed. but nvm la, more ppl, more fun rite? hehhe... So tml i'll slack at hm.. tink i betta do some work to read the notes, coz i'm really slacking too much. Betta catch up abit...

Since i'm free tml, mom ask me to go pray ah ma, afterall, tml's the 49th day. actually i'm feeling quite remorseful and ashamed of myself, coz i feel that i'm not as sad now, as compared to last yr when grampa passed away. I do admit i'm closer to my grampa, coz we've been living under the same roof ever since i was born... as for ah ma, i only visit her once a wk, and as i grew older, once a wk became once a fortnight. Haizz... i really regret this. I really miss the things i would do for her when i'm at her place. sometimes we'll buy food that she could swallow, like char kuey teow or chwee kuey.. den i'll try to feed her. Sometimes when we have to leave, i bid her goodbye, she'll grab my hand very tight, refusing to let go. only when i say i'm hungry, going home for dinner, den she'll let go, and ask me to come again...

i cried when i was at kty with hui, J and ry... J sang this song and as i read the lyrics, it really made me think of my grampa and ah ma.. especially grampa, how he left us, leaving gramma alone in this world. She has no one whom she can complain to everyday, and no one whom she can chide everyday. Though now she tries so change her 'target', i think the feeling whld be different. I think my gramparents married at a very young age... so their love lasted for almost 70 yrs. thats a very long time. As for my ah ma, i noe my ah gong passed away a very long time ago, i've not seen him before (except for the 1st time i went to this grave). I must say my ah ma is also a very strong woman, when her husband pass away, she was probably in her late thirties. So alone, she had to raise and feed 3 children, with 1 at china. though my mom and aunt are more dependent and help to work to relieve her workload, my uncle was still very young at that time... they had to make more sacrifices...

The song she sang at the ktv was abt this story of an old grampa and old gramma, the old gramma passed away during war time (or was it the old grampa??),leaving the other one to fend for himself/herself. Their undying love lasted until the other party finally leave the world many yrs later... how touching... haizz...

I'm afraid of my gramma leaving me.. after wat had happened, it not possible not to think of it. I do try and wish to spend more time with her, but yet sometimes i just don't wish to go home. The feeling is contradicting... coz i find that something just feels lacking.. something is missing. Not that any of the furniture is missing.. but grampa is, grampa is missing. He's no longer around. I know it has already been a yr, but it just seems so...so....unbelievable. It seemed like just yesterday i last spoke to him... perhaps its because of the cpiture i put near the mirror. So i get to see him everyday...I'm ashamed of myself, coz i didn't put the photo we took with ah ma. I'm not even sure if there is a photo i took with her, just the 2 of us.

Some memories are best forgotten, yet some memories are meant to be cherished. Some of these memories can't be easily forgotten... no matter how long time has passed. I tried to learn how not to cry, but i failed. I really tried... but if i don;'t cry, i'll feel so terribly miserable inside. Inside feels rotten, burning... it feels like it is trapped inside, wanting and waiting to be let out, to be set free. My heart feels tight, pounding and beating very hard and fast... i feel stifled, there is a lack of oxygen... I'm suffocating.

pls set me free... of the pain that is accumulating everyday.....every single day..