okies, things are settled now. I've gotten my results, and the good news is i've managed to pass and clear all my yr2 subjects. its a huge relieve for me. but the bad news is that i didn't score very well, and i also have frenz who didnt do as well... i really feel sorry and sad for them. I'm not being sarcastic or sadist, i really mean what i say...

when i thought my comp is down, i decided to give it a last chance and to click again. Alas! its ok again... wat a miracle. the next thing i knew, i was cursing and swearing for i thought i had failed my AF. But when i looked closer, i finally realised i didn't fail, and on the contrary, manage to scrap it through, just barely... so i was crying again...

I tink i must have been a crybaby these days... crying and crying, not sure what has gotten into me either...

i hate the feeling of being alone at nite, i cry at the slighest thought of grampa and ah ma. i must confess i have tried crying on thr mrt train while on the way to work in the mornings, only to cover up my tears with my awkward yawning... haiz.

i cried while on the way back to s'pore form tioman, not becoz i thought we're gona be left stranded in the sea, but i suddenly thought of grampa and ah ma again. it really hurts so badly that i would really lurv being put into deep sleep forever. i'm really tired from these things... really tired.

I don't understand why is god so cruel to take away our beloved ones, and leave us all being in this wrenched and damned world. Yet god is so merciful to end our beloved ones of their constant sufferings and to take them away to a farway place where they can see and protect us form harm. i'm so confused... very confused.

my frenz tell me not to think so much... yet sometimes its beyond my control if my mind wants to linger and think of the past. i can control my mind, but not my heart..... or can i?

i wish i can be free of pain... i feel lost and trapped in a cage of my own...i am still searching for the key to free me of such pain, to unlock the feeling of being remorseful, guilty, lost and hurt. i really wished there was something i could have done to help my grampa and ah ma. It feels so helpless and painful to see them lying on the hospital bed, yet there is nothing i can do... i feel useless... i can't do anything to lessen their pain.

i can only stand there, seeing their health deteriorate, praying and waiting for a miracle...a miracle which will never happen. how foolish...

i hate myself for not being there more often... i hate myself for not cherishing the wkends when i shld have gone to visit my ah ma. giving stupid excuses like my mom went ahead widout me, or that i'm tired and lazy. i feel so... so.... damned.

but nevertheless, i am really thankful for having frenz around me to cheer me up and to lend me a listening ear. i really do appreciate it... i really do. Thank u...

my heart feels heavy...i am really tired.

all i need is just time... time will wash away the pain...