its 2.25am now... my eyes are red and abit swollen from crying... i'm in one of those moods again... im so very very sad. andy say its becoz i refused to drop the stone tts at de bottom of my heart. i can't..... how to?? sighz.... mummy and small aunt said grampa had no reason to return coz he left very peacefully. like no1 torture him etc... but i tot tt i scolded him b4... but andy said its becoz i cared for him. yes... i realli cared alot for him, but regretted wat i did den. i refused to listen to ma, when she told me grampa's days are actualli numbered, so just let him eat wat he want. but i was too stubborn and thick-headed. refused to let him eat such oily food. duno becoz im stubborn tt i realli tot he wouldn't leave us... its wasn't possible. i didnt harboured such tots back den.. no words could ever describe my feelings.

i was on the mrt de other day, heard tis kid called out to his grampa in cantonese. just like the way i use to call my own grampa back den.... i stood thr staring at the old man sitting infront of me... i was shocked and dumbfounded. wat i heard was familiar, yet so strange. guess because i haven realli heard this for quite some time already. i feel as though some1 had used a needle and prick my nerves.....

and todae, when we were at de restuarant, i feel tt sth was missing... actualli coz grampa isn't thr. coz cousin audrey booked a room wid a karaoke set... we used to booked such rms for our mother's day; father's day or other celebrations. it all feels weird.... and strange... yet so familiar...but grampa is missing from the picture..........small aunt said at least he ate alot when we were at de restuarant b4 everything happened. i recount on tt day at de restuarant. den remembered y he ate so much.... coz i as de1 sitting nxt to him. i was the 1 who kept taking food for him and put onto his plate... helping him to make bits of meat abit smaller...haizz........

today is national day.... haizz... now all celebrations seemed abit weird. doesn't make much sense to me...singing the birthdae song to nadya, i remembered thr was once i went onto stage in the restuarant to sing a birthday song - tink it was to my grampa. coz daddy offered to gimme $10 for it. i took up the challenge, but was left speechless when the english birthday song proceeded to a cantonese version. den daddy had to run to my rescue, out of the embarrasment i had. haizz.....

how isit i can help myself??
i long to run to somewhere, somewhere far... somewhere i can hide. somewhere can find peace and tranquility.............somewhere with only the clouds, sky, grass, flowers and sun.

sounds like heaven eh? sigh.....